


Felt

by jamesgatz1925



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: AU, Angst, Developing Relationship, First Meeting, Fluff, M/M, Soulmate AU, Soulmates, soulmate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-15
Updated: 2017-11-15
Packaged: 2019-02-02 20:28:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12733755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jamesgatz1925/pseuds/jamesgatz1925
Summary: Another soulmate AU because there aren’t enough.





	Felt

Rafael refrained from rolling his eyes at customers yet again. He only had to work at the job for two more weeks and then he’d be on a train to Boston again, but until then he was allowed to get annoyed at how many stupid people he had to encounter a day. He worked at a coffee shop, how many people had to know if there was coffee in a beverage?

But Rafael was twenty and pretty much annoyed with everything in his life at this point. School, Boston, his mom, his job; it was all way too much. At least when he returned to Boston he’d be away from his mom and his job. He only needed to last two more weeks.

Rafael finally got the annoying customer to leave, so he called for the next people in line.

“Huh? Oh, come on,” the tall, blonde girl said, pushing a little boy along.

The boy gazed up at Rafael with giant blue eyes. Rafael, even though he was grouchy and usually mostly with kids, couldn’t help but look down and smile at the kid. The boy returned a toothless grin.

“Ask him,” the girl said, nudging the boy’s head.

The boy took a deep breath. “My sister—“

Rafael’s ears suddenly began to ring almost painfully. He clutched his left ear as he winced and tried to search for the screech in the shop.

“Hey, are you okay?” the girl asked with concern.

“Mmm? Yeah,” Rafael said, “Just a...weird ringing in my ear.”

The little boy looked up at his sister. “I kinda hear it, too! You can’t hear that?”

The girl looked confused. “No, I can’t hear anything weird. Maybe someone’s got one of those ringtones that only dogs can hear, you know?”

The little boy looked rightfully hurt. “You callin’ me a dog, ‘Resa?”

The girl rolled her eyes. “Shut up. Just order.”

Rafael shook his head to clear it and ignored the buzzing. “Sorry, buddy. What can I get for you?”

“My sister said ‘cause I’ve been good all day I can get whatever, whatever, whatever I want!”

The ringing in Rafael’s ear suddenly turned off. It switched to a faint buzz, almost pleasant, and as the little guy spoke, Rafael felt his excitement. It was strange. The angry mood he felt mere moments ago was gone.

Feeling playful, wanting to feed into this kid’s mood, Rafael looked at the menu board behind him.

“Well,” he said, “I think we’re all out of ‘whatevers’.”

The boy laughed. “Okay, how ‘bout chocolate milk, then?”

“I can make some chocolate milk,” Rafael said as he grabbed a plastic cup. He wrote the code for chocolate milk on the cup, then asked, “Who is this chocolate milk for?”

The boy gave another big, toothless smile. “Sonny!”

Rafael’s ears buzzed pleasantly again. He quickly wrote ‘Sonny’ on the cup.

“Thanks!” Little Sonny yelled happily.

“Go get us a table,” the girl with Sonny told him. Sonny gave Rafael one last smile, then took off away from the counter.

“Sorry about my little brother,” the girl said. “He’s just so excited about everything.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Rafael said, still smiling. “It’s adorable. Anything I can get you?”

The girl ordered a complicated drink and said it was for Theresa.

“They’ll be ready in a minute,” Rafael told her.

“How much?” Theresa asked.

Rafael, for some reason, felt generous. “It’s on me.”

“What?! Really?”

“Yeah, don’t worry about it.”

“Oh, thank you, uh...” Theresa read his name tag. “Rafael.”

Just then, little Sonny ran at Theresa again. Before he could get her attention, he began laughing hysterically.

Theresa looked down at her little brother with an extremely confused look on her face. Rafael felt equally as confused, but for some reason he wanted to laugh, too.

“What’s so funny?” Theresa asked.

Between laughs, Sonny said he didn’t know. Rafael didn’t either.

“Okay, come on, weirdo,” Theresa said, pushing Sonny to an empty table. “Nice to meet you, Rafael.”

“Yeah, you too,” Rafael said, then got to work on their drinks.

———-

Sonny thought he had super powers. There were all kinds of super powers, random powers. They weren’t all spidey-senses and super strength. Some super hero’s could control other people with their minds.

Sonny could control himself.

Sonny spent most of his life in a stable untroubled bar just below complete euphoria. He didn’t know why, or how, but anytime Sonny felt himself growing angry at something, truly angry, he could open up a part of his brain that made him relax.

When he forgot his favorite baseball glove out in the rain? Calm.

When he broke the chain off the bicycle he’d spent all summer saving up for? Cool.

When Bella wrote on his collectible poster of Gordy Howe? Relaxed.

Sonny wasn’t en emotionless child, of course. He was very happy, had great joy in everything. It was just that he could calm himself down when there was a crisis.

Three years of this had passed; Sonny was in therapy by the time he was eleven. His mom and dad were concerned he wasn’t channeling all of his emotions.

“Do you ever feel angry, Sonny?” the Doctor asked.

“Yeah,” Sonny said.

“Then why don’t you ever...show it?”

Sonny had shrugged. “It’s like I can think of something else and I feel better.”

“Just like that? Just think of something else and poof, you’re all better?”

Sonny shrugged. “I guess.”

It was deemed unhealthy, Sonny’s mysterious coping mechanism, and because nobody else really understood it, he was told to let himself be angry.

But Sonny didn’t let himself get angry until he was a teen.

Thirteen and hormonal, Sonny was confused about everything. He was confused about the feelings he had that weren’t toward girls, he was confused about God, he was confused about his parents, who fought a lot by that time. Sonny got mad, and Sonny got so mad that the blissful part of his brain couldn’t fix it.

And then Sonny snapped. One afternoon at school, after a lengthy conversation with his buddy that there were just no girls who interested him enough to ask to the 8th grade winter dance, Sonny was stopped in the hall by a notorious bully.

“I know why no girls are good enough for you,” the boy had teased. “‘Cause you’re gay!”

It hit a nerve with Sonny. He wasn’t gay. He couldn’t have been gay. What would God say? What would his parents say?

Sonny got mad. More mad than he’d ever felt before. Everything he’d been bottling up and storing away for later spilled out, and Sonny’s vision went red as he jumped on the bully and began punching him repeatedly.

Sonny got into trouble. He was mad.

Sonny pushed everyone away. He was mad.

Sonny couldn’t fix himself. Not for a long time.

———-

Rafael’s first job was as a defense attorney. He’d heard about it, the side of law that paid way more for a price of his own. But with a little extra cash, he could pay off Harvard loans and help his Mami out more. He sold his soul and it was good.

He was unhappy. He hadn’t been unhappy, really unhappy, for years. Even through the stress of Harvard and his Abuela’s declining health and relationships that couldn’t seem to work and every day upsets like missing the bus or spilling his coffee, none of it got Rafael down.

But suddenly everything was unsatisfying. Work was hard when school hadn’t been. He was grumpy, irritable, an ass. Nothing helped.

A friend tried to help.

“Rafi,” Rita had asked right after Rafael had turned 26 and was still mad about just about everything. “Have you met your soulmate?”

Rafael looked confused. He thought all of that was a myth, or at least something that happened to a select few. Certainly not something he expected to happen to him.

“I...don’t know,” Rafael honestly answered. How could he know? All of his relationships had failed. Hell, Rita is only his friend because of how quickly their relationship crashed and burned. “How would I know?”

“Well, I’ve heard that you just kind of know when it happens. But as you are unsure, I guess we wouldn’t know.”

“What happens when it happens?” Rafael asked, cringing at the poor wording of his question.

“From what I’ve heard,” Rita told him, “It’s the general heart racing, breath quickening, ears ringing. And then you just feel joy.”

Rafael couldn’t remember a specific time he felt that with a partner.

“But I heard you can feel the other person’s emotions. Maybe yours are all off because the other person is unhappy.”

Rafael scrubbed a hand over his face. “Maybe mine are all off because I hate my job.”

“There’s that. But come on, you’re great at your job. You’re amazing.”

“I don’t feel amazing. And you can’t seriously think this is supposed to be right? At least for me. Is this where I’m supposed to be?”

“Only you know that answer, Rafi. But for the sake of your sanity, I’d start looking elsewhere. You’re 26 and you look like you’re 50.”

“Thanks, Rita.”

Rita gently patted his back. “You’ll find what’s right. Do what your heart tells you.”

Rafael just nodded.

Six months later, Rafael found himself in an interview at the Brooklyn D.A.’s office, and months after that he found a healthy groove of pleasantness. By the time he was 27, Rafael was a skilled and seasoned prosecutor for the D.A. He finally felt the happiness he deserved. He didn’t stop doing what his heart told him.  
————

Sonny’s first kiss was miraculous. Marvelous. Magnificent. Magical.

Sonny’s first kiss was with a boy named Matthew and Sonny couldn’t stop thinking in M words for a week.

Sonny had a crush on Matthew for months, and finally one afternoon, Matthew made the first move.

Sonny, still, angry with everything in life had struggled for about thirty seconds until everything was...okay. He was calm again, just like that, just like when he was when he was a kid.

It had been a month or so of finally being able to control himself again, and that was what probably made Matthew want to be near him anyway.

Sonny was glad, overjoyed, because a cute boy liked him back and he finally didn’t feel terrible about it. For years, he had struggled, ever since the fight with a bully in 8th grade. He had prayed, he grew depressed, he didn’t want anything in his life.

There had been a change a few months ago, and Sonny didn’t know what happened. He seemed to grow up overnight. He grew taller, his voice deepened slightly, his skin wasn’t breaking out as badly as it had been, and Sonny was just in a better mood.

“What’s gotten into you?” he was asked over and over.

He didn’t know. He was 15, but finally happy.

Sonny’s relationship with Matthew didn’t last long, but that was okay, because Sonny was able to relieve himself of stress once again. The only negative emotion he felt was sometimes very jittery, but that helped in times like his boring math class when the world seemed to quiet down but his brain was able to buzz a mile a minute. Sonny had sweet dreams and a better wake up, and he was happy.

Sonny’s family surprised him by accepting him with no problem. All the hurt and fear he felt when he was younger was made easier by everyone just saying, “Well, as long as you’re happy.” And he was happy. Kissing boys was among his favorite past times.

Senior year grew tough. Sonny was lost once again, but not as he had been. He was lost this time because he didn’t know what direction he wanted to go for his life. The obvious option was police work, just like his dad and grandpa before him, but Sonny had dreams of becoming a profession athlete.

Those dreams were getting him nowhere, so one night Sonny asked for guidance.

“Please God,” he begged, “If you’re listening, just...tell me what to do. Because I don’t know.”

Eyes clamped shut, ridding his brain of any thought, Sonny felt almost a whisper in the back of his mind.

“Do what your heart tells you,” it seemed to say.

Sonny thanked God. For the kindness in his heart told him to be a police officer, that he needed to help people.

Sonny chose college and never looked back.

———-

Rafael couldn’t sleep. Some nights, he was restless. He even stopped drinking coffee in the evenings, hoping that would help his poor sleeping habit, but nothing helped. Rafael could not sleep. He felt the way he did in college when he developed a caffeine addiction from needing to stay up at all hours to cram for exams. He was twelve years out of college, but felt like he was back there once again.

“Not sleeping again?” Rita asked one afternoon during a work meeting.

Rafael yawned and took another sip of coffee that had grown cold.

“Your soulmate’s out there trying to kill you by exhaustion.”

Rafael rolled his eyes. Rita had not let up on the soulmate talk in years. Anytime Rafael went through anything—mistaken appendicitis, bouts of depression, random euphoria in the middle of the day, and now chronic insomnia—Rita always blamed “his soulmate”. Rafael had yet to find the other human putting him through this agony, if there is one.

“Mmm,” he sighed, “And would that be homicide? Manslaughter?”

“There hasn’t been a case as such. There have been cases of one soulmate committing suicide and the other dying as a result, but how do you try a dead person?”

“Wonderful,” Rafael mumbled. “That’s not frightening at all.”

“Be glad you’re destined to find true love. Or that you already have.”

“Not knowing who it is but knowing we’ve already crossed paths is actually torture, I assure you.”

“Just think,” Rita told him. “Someone out there was made for Rafael Barba.”

Rafael rubbed his tired eyes. “Yeah. And they apparently hate sleeping.”

———

Sonny graduated from college with high honors. All the sleepless nights paid off once he got to the academy. He excelled, which made him happy.

In months, he was an officer of the law. He had a shiny badge and a thick protective vest, plus the gun attached to his hip made him feel a little bit like a bad ass. His chin was held high every morning and he felt a confidence in himself that he never really had before.

Sonny had a smooth sailing rookie year. He luckily never had to draw his gun, had easy arrests, and was never in any real danger.

One afternoon just a year after starting, Sonny walked into a routine call with his partner, right into the face of a good ol’ fashion hostage situation.

Sonny reached for his gun, but the perp’s gun was on him quicker.

“Don’t move,” he warned.

Sonny put his hands up. He tried to talk the guy out of doing anything stupid, but the guy was hysterical.

Sonny was scared. More scared than he’s ever been in his life. More scared than his first kiss. More scared than telling his parent’s he was gay. More scared than his first day in the academy. Sonny had a gun pointed at him for the first time.

With deep breaths, Sonny was able to focus and calm down. He was able to form words, whereas the girl being held was a mess and his partner could barely breathe.

“You don’t want to do this,” Sonny said carefully.

“How do you know?”

“Come on, why would you want to spend the rest of your life in prison?”

“Carisi...” his partner warned.

“Why wouldn’t I?” the perp questioned. “I’ve got nothing else. None of us have anything else.”

Sonny swallowed hard. “I do,” he said honestly. “I have a family. Sisters and a few nieces. I’m ready to go home after this. I’m sure you just wanna go home, too.”

In the end, it was fine, because the guy eventually gave up and let everyone go. He was peacefully arrested by a shaking Sonny. Even though he shook through the booking, he shook through the ride home, he shook in bed late that night, still unable to sleep, everything was fine. It was the first—but certainly not last—time Sonny’s life would ever be in danger.

————

Rafael’s blood ran cold. He had never felt this sudden feeling of great doom. Something bad was happening inside his brain that only he could feel. It felt like he was in danger, like he was helpless.

It was the middle of a court hearing. Rafael’s hands trembled, causing the pen he held to tick back and forth like the seconds on a clock.

He’d felt panic before, of course. He’s had anxiety. But this numbness down to his bones was something else.

It was fear.

Rafael was scared and he had no idea why. He was safe. He was surrounded by many people whose jobs were to keep others safe. So why was Rafael scared?

The feeling bothered him. He couldn’t shake the thought of something bad happening, or something bad about to happen. Rafael spent court on edge, distracted, and waiting to leave so he could get to his office and lock himself inside quicker.

Finally, court ended. Rafael sat down and took a deep breath before moving to gather his things.

“What’s wrong with you?”

Rafael jumped. “Huh?”

“You’re all jumpy. The judge coughed and you leaped out of your skin. What’s going on?”

“Oh, I don’t know. I just feel weird. Scared almost.”

“Scared?” Rita questioned.

Rafael stood and grabbed his briefcase. “Maybe I’m just tired.”

“Maybe your soulmate is in danger.”

“What? What kind of danger could anyone linked to me be in?”

“Opposites attract. Your soulmate could actually be exciting and not, you know, in bed by 8 like someone else.”

“Ha-ha.”

“Maybe they’re driving over 35 miles per hour.”

“I’m cautious.”

“You’re boring.”

Rafael rolled his eyes. The friends walked down the hallway of the courthouse, and the mindless conversation helped Rafael’s thoughts stray from the plaguing fear he had felt minutes before.

“Feeling better?” Rita asked as they entered the street.

“Much,” Rafael said.

“Good. Dinner?”

Rafael mocked awkwardness. “Oh, you know, I can’t. According to you, I’m taken.”

It was Rita’s turn to roll her eyes at him. “I was only offering because I know one can’t afford a nice dinner on a civil servant’s salary such as your own.”

Rafael laughed. “Fair enough. But you said it, you’re buying.”

———

Sonny bounced from precinct to precinct once he became a detective. By the time he was 28, he’d been to a few Burroughs. He just didn’t fit in any place in particular.

He grew tired of the Bronx; it wasn’t home. In Queens, he was too naive. In Brooklyn, he was too annoying.

Finally, Sonny landed in Manhattan, fully equipped with an over eager attitude and a horrible mustache.

“Please shave,” his sisters had begged, but Sonny was 28 going on 16 and wanted to at least look a little bit older.

“Nobody’s going to want to date you with that awful mustache,” Bella had argued.

“It’s not like I’m looking to date.”

“Yeah, he’s waiting for The One remember?” Gina teased.

“And that’s so bad, why?”

“Because it’s all shit,” Theresa said.

Sonny didn’t believe that. Hadn’t for a while.

He had two second-hand experiences proving the existence of soulmates in the past year.

First, there was a homicide case his second month in Queens. A woman had killed another woman for dating the man she was soul linked to.

“How could he be with someone else when he is linked to her?” Sonny had asked out loud to nobody in particular.

“The universe just tells you who would be perfect for you,” one of the coroners muttered while examining the body. “It doesn’t tell you that’s who you have to choose. Maybe the guy’s superficial and thought this woman was more attractive than the other. Maybe she was nicer, smarter, funnier. Who knows?”

“I didn’t know you don’t have to be with the person you’re linked to.”

The coroner shook his head. “Nope.”

Sonny felt a little bit sad at that. He felt surprisingly sympathetic towards the murderer. For the man her soul has chosen to choose another? Sonny couldn’t imagine.

His second experience with his whole soulmate thing was with a friend. They were at dinner, some greasy mom ‘n’ pop hole in the wall, and the son of the owners took their order. Their linking was sudden and obvious. They both broke out in a nervous sweat, the giggles, she mentioned that her heart was beating so fast and she couldn’t stop smiling. The waiter got her number and they were engaged two months later.

Sonny longed for his moment, and his sisters never stopped giving him shit for the desire.

Sonny was 28 and could wait. Something told him he’d find his soulmate.

He continued to follow his heart.

————

The case was too busy for Rafael to properly introduce himself to the new detective. He heard someone say ‘Carisi’, so he followed suit and thought of the new detective in that name.

Finally, Rafael spoke to him for the first time and cringed at the Staten Island accent that was decidedly too much. Paired with that mustache, that suit, that hair...Rafael was unimpressed.

Still, something made him listen to Carisi. Something made him joke with sarcasm he usually gives long time friends. He didn’t hate the new guy. Sure, he was annoying and eager and like a puppy left alone too long was too hyper, but Rafael didn’t hate him.

“Booyah, Fordham Law,” Rafael said with a flutter of butterflies in his stomach, waiting for Carisi’s reaction. Rafael wanted him to joke back. Rafael wanted him to like him back.

And that was sad, Rafael thought. This man who was twelve years younger than him, not even 30 yet, and Rafael wanted him to laugh at his jokes and continue to offer unnecessary legal advice.

And wasn’t that something? Carisi was smart, too. Smart and pretty cute, once he shaved. Once his suits fit better. Once he stopped opening his mouth to every single little thing.

Rafael’s heart beat a little bit quicker each time Carisi walked into a room, and wasn’t that something? Rafael’s lips quirked at the sparkle of blue eyes, the crinkling of dimples, and the little looks Carisi would give when Rafael taunted him too harshly.

Rafael hadn’t felt this in a long time. He hadn’t liked someone like this in a long time. Usually it was meet, go out, spend a night together, then he would be on his merry, just-got-laid way. But with Carisi, there was none of that. He didn’t ask the younger man out, he just admired him from afar. He just watched Carisi’s presence take up all the space in a room, in his mind.

“Well, if you haven’t found your soulmate yet,” Rita said over lunch about a year into Carisi’s addition to SVU.

“I thought we gave up on that,” Rafael said.

“Which is why you should date Carisi.”

“I shouldn’t date Carisi.”

“Why not? You like him.”

“He’s not even 30 yet.”

“You’re right. You’re old.”

Rafael glared at her. “You’re older than me, I’d like to remind you.”

“I’m not trying to date someone who was being toilet trained when I started high school.”

Rafael winced. When she put it like that.

“I’m not trying.”

“You wouldn’t have to try,” Rita casually said, about to sip from her glass. “Carisi wouldn’t say no.”

“Really?” Rafael couldn’t help but ask.

Rita quirked an eyebrow.

Rafael ignored her. “What about all of our talk about finding my soulmate? That’s always your argument.”

“You haven’t felt them in a long time, have you?”

Rafael realized that no, everything had been calm for a while. Not much anger, less fear, just happiness.

He shook his head.

“Then ask Carisi out. Please.”

———

Sonny was happy.

At SVU for over a year, his job was wonderful, despite the circumstances of his presence being terrible. Law school was easy; he often wondered if he was doing something wrong based on just how easy it was; it was just that he was sure of his decisions at all times, in tests, in mock court. He maintained an easy balance of everything in his life, from church on Sundays in Staten Island, to classes most evenings, to early to work the following morning.

Everything was great.

It helped that Sonny had the hots for a coworker. It helped that all his rookie errands paid off because he got to spend just a few minutes with Barba, a man he admired not only professionally, but personally.

Unfortunately, there was no instant spark the first time they met, just Sonny’s own ecstatic emotions of meeting such a hot, bad ass man.

Sonny found himself wanting to do better to impress Barba any chance he could. He found himself letting the little comments from Barba roll off his back as he would roll his eyes or bite his tongue from fighting back. They were close, close-ish, but Sonny didn’t know if he was supposed to be his sarcastic self right back to Barba.

Sonny spent a lot of his time with Rollins and her baby.

So much time, and they grew so close, that eventually Sonny asked what he inevitably asked everyone.

“What do you think of the whole...soulmates thing?”

“What, like, do I think that stuff exists?” Rollins asked, patting Jesse’s back to get her to burp.

“Yeah.”

Rollins shrugged. “I think it’d be nice, you know? To know you were meant for someone. But I’ve never felt it, so I wouldn’t know.”

“You don’t think you’re meant for someone?”

“I think when you’re so damaged, the universe just gives up on you.”

Sonny wanted to ask her to stop talking like that again, insist she’s not damaged, that she’s good, but he’d tried that speech one too many times. He didn’t agree with her, of course but he chose to say nothing.

“Why’re you asking? This about Barba again?”

“You say that like I talk about him a lot.”

“You say that like you don’t. Just ask him out already.”

“Would he go out with me?”

“Carisi, does it seem like I know a lot about Barba’s personal life?”

That was always odd to Sonny, how little the team knew about Barba. As someone who considered it a hobby to get to know people, Sonny wanted to be the one to know Barba. He wanted to be the one Barba opened up to, the one Barba spent time with outside of the office.

“Look,” Rollins said, standing with a sleeping Jesse in her arms. “I wouldn’t know. Give it a try, what’s the worst that could happen?”

Sonny really wanted to try, but it wasn’t for a while that he worked up the nerve to do so. The timing was never right. Case after case, for months, got everyone too down and too distracted from their personal lives. At least Rollins and Benson had their kids, Fin had his family, but Carisi had his own self pity to wallow in.

Then, Sonny didn’t feel right for a few months. Everything felt like it was weighing down on him. Then the Briggs case hit and it was just...more. Walter Briggs was his role model, a writer he looked up to and would have, at any other time, been so excited to meet. The circumstances of their meeting was just tragic.

Sonny felt tired, run down. Even after the case ended, he felt downright depressed. He’d never felt this low before, not in high school, not in his jobs. He couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, felt no interest in anything.

What made it worse was Barba became more standoffish with him than before. Barba, who was quick to offer a snide remark anytime Sonny opened his mouth, was quiet and withdrawn. He had no patience for Sonny; he usually shoo’d the team out of his office the first chance he got.

Barba seemed off, too, and although Sonny wanted to know how he could help, he didn’t bother Barba.

———

Rafael had never been apart from his Abuela. She helped raise him, and save for her annual vacations back to Florida where her family was, Rafael never had to be without her.

When she died, his world crumbled.

He was sad, not mad or hurt. She didn’t suffer, but it was her time. That’s what everyone kept saying, and who was he to argue with the way God wanted it?

Although Rafael would have given anything to have his beloved Abuela back, he knew death was a fact of life. He was not naive, he knew.

Still, he was blue. He spent all of his spare time wallowing in self pity and felt sorry for himself. He drank too much, ate too little, and became a little more grouchy to his colleagues.

Carisi’s bright smile didn’t even do it for him anymore. Carisi would walk into a room and it would remain dark, like an overcast cloud hanging over Rafael’s head. In fact, Carisi didn’t seem to smile much anymore, either.

He longed for an interaction that would make him feel slightly more human. Rafael wished for a laugh, something funny, but nothing happened. He just seemed like a jerk who wanted to hurt people, and that wasn’t true.

He was just mourning. Rafael had never lost anyone before.

“Are you okay?” Rita asked one afternoon alone in his office.

Rafael couldn’t tell if she was genuinely concerned or if she felt obligated to ask. Instead of answering, he poured himself another drink of scotch, which was actually a gift from the woman sitting across from him.

“People die, Rafi,” Rita said next. “You can’t wallow forever.”

“I can’t?”

“It’s unhealthy.”

Rafael snorted. “I’m drinking scotch for lunch. Does it seem like I care for my health?”

“Rafael.”

The use of his entire first name caused Rafael to look at her.

“I just don’t feel good,” Rafael said. “About anything. Just...deep in my stomach I feel—“

“You’re depressed, I get that. But drinking scotch for lunch is not going to help.”

Rafael sighed. He swirled the liquid around the glass.

“Your detective is sad, too. Maybe you guys should get together and, you know, make each other happy.” She added a crude eyebrow waggle with it.

It made Rafael smile. For the first time in weeks, he smiled. The thought of Carisi sad made him sad. It was strange. He hardly knew Carisi, hardly talked to him personally, but he felt the want to make him feel better. Maybe he would be distracted enough to end his wallowing.

Rita stood. “Please, do something. You’re no fun when you don’t fight with me.”

Rafael nodded. “Thanks.”

Rafael continued to think about Carisi after Rita left. Of course, the temptation was there. It was always there. Anytime Carisi took all the air in a room, anytime Carisi’s blue eyes flashed in the sunlight, anytime Carisi smiled, the temptation was there.

Rafael decided he would do something about it.  
————

Sonny hadn’t felt joy in a long time. It wasn’t a sudden and complete happiness; it was a slow build of excitement deep in his gut.

He had a date with Barba. Barba asked him out. Barba wanted to date him.

Sonny felt hope bloom in his heart. Maybe Barba wasn’t his soulmate, as there wasn’t a spark the first time they met at the precinct, but he still felt something strong for the other man. He still felt adoration, maybe love. Sonny had never fallen in love before getting to know someone. But with Barba, it’s like he just knew. It’s like he felt love for the other man almost immediately. Sonny felt it was a shame Barba wasn’t his soulmate.

Still, they made a plan to go out one Saturday night. Sonny wanted to cook for Barba, because he grew up learning that the way you show someone love and comfort is by cooking for them, but Barba insisted they go out. Sonny was fine with that, because he wanted the world to see them together.

There was a thrill when Barba placed a hand at the small of Sonny’s back to guide him to their table at the restaurant.

“Come here often?” Sonny asked as Barba sat easily and made himself at home. It wasn’t a joke, but Sonny grinned at himself because it was a classic pick-up line.

“Actually, yes. It’s one of my favorite restaurants in the city.”

Barba ordered wine for the two of them to share, but offered Sonny advice on what to eat. Sonny liked that, because too many times he’d dated pompous men who ordered for him.

Sonny liked to eat, and he was hungry for the first time. He was comfortable. He was confident. He knew he looked great, so he flaunted it.

Their conversation was easy. Sonny, of course, talked about his entire life.

“So, I have three sisters and a few nieces,” he said. “I’m surrounded by women. My two older sisters are much older than me and Bella, so it’s like I’ve got three moms instead of the one. What about you, do you have any siblings?”

“Siblings? No, but I am still surrounded by women. My mom and Abuela raised me together.”

“Plus you’ve got Benson and Calhoun behind you. Still don’t really understand your friendship with Rita, though. Aren’t you supposed to be enemies?”

“Rita and I go way back. We actually dated in college.”

Sonny started laughing. “What? You and Rita?”

Barba nodded. “After we broke up we stayed friends. Moved on to our first job together. Of course, she stayed and I came to the prosecution.”

“What made you switch?”

“She told me to follow my heart,” Barba said.

That term made Sonny’s breath catch slightly. It was a term he heard from nowhere in particular, a term many people know and live by, but for some reason it felt like a memory when Rafael said it. It felt like déjà vu.

“Well, I’m glad you switched,” Sonny said. “You fit here. With me.”

Barba blinked at him.

Sonny seemed to realize what he said. “With...with us. With SVU.”

“Mhm,” Barba muttered, a small smile spreading over his lips.

“Yeah,” Sonny said, feeling confident. “With me. In this restaurant that’s too fancy for me. I’m just wondering what took you so long.”

“Me? What took me so long? What about you?”

“Me?” Sonny repeated. “Constantly having an annoyed look on your face when I was around didn’t make me think you were into me.”

Barba smiled. “I’m sorry,” he said, surprising Sonny. “I’m a sarcastic asshole at my best, but lately I’ve been at my worst.”

“I know what you mean,” Sonny said honestly. “I haven’t been feeling the greatest either. But hey, we’re here now.” He held up his wine glass.

“I’ll drink to that,” Barba said, tapping his glass against Sonny’s, then bringing it to his lips.

Sonny followed the glass and wished it was himself Barba was kissing instead of the glass. Barba smirked as he set the glass down.

They kept talking all through dinner. With more and more wine streaming through him, Sonny of course grew more animated with his hand gestures and stories. Barba laughed, though. Sonny thought he was genuinely enjoying him.

Sonny’s hand felt warm as Barba held it walking home later.

———-

Rafael was thinking clearly enough to know he wasn’t just attracted to Carisi because he was feeling depressed. He knew this attraction was deeper than a distraction, or an outward appreciation for Carisi’s beauty. His want for Carisi ran deep, deep into his veins and bones and heart.

Rafael hadn’t felt this in a long time, maybe ever. He truly liked Carisi so much that he wanted to make it last, to not jump right in, which had happened exactly never.

Rafael didn’t kiss him goodnight after their first date.

It wasn’t until the third date that Rafael kissed him.

Carisi was standing as if at home in Rafael’s kitchen. He flew effortlessly through the small room, adding ingredients to a pot simmering on the stove.

He looked amazing, Rafael thought, wearing skinny, deep blue jeans with a black sweater. His sleeves were rolled up, as they usually were, and Rafael loved the look of Carisi’s skin.

Carisi’s smile was infectious. The smile made him smile, which seemingly made Carisi smile, and for the entire night they had a endless loop of smiles and laughter. Rafael loved it.

He had to kiss Carisi.

He couldn’t stop himself from grabbing the younger man by the elbow, pulling him in, and planting a quick, slow kiss on his lips.

The uptick of his heart when their lips quickly touched was unexpected, but the chill traveling up his spine when Carisi pulled away was sudden.

However, the unanticipated ringing in his ears the moment he tasted Carisi’s breath was familiar.

Carisi’s eyes grew wide just inches away from his own. His pupils dilated visibly, and Rafael imagined his looked just about the same.

“Please tell me you can hear that,” Carisi said, and his scent was intoxicating.

Rafael felt drunk on him.

“I can hear that,” Rafael agreed.

Carisi slowly backed away. Rafael wanted so badly for him to stay put, right against him.

“I’m so confused,” Carisi muttered, running a hand through his perfect hair. “Was that a soul link?”

From what Rafael had heard, it was, but far less intense. And why didn’t they link upon first meeting? Rafael felt confused, too.

Something was telling him to kiss Carisi again. Whether it was his soul deep down or his own desire, he needed Carisi’s lips on his again.

“Carisi?” Rafael asked.

“Hmm?”

“Can I kiss you again?”

Carisi looked at him. “Yes, please.”

Rafael grabbed him by the hip this time and pulled him in solidly. It wasn’t awkward or accidental; their second kiss was strong and sure.

Carisi sighed happily, content, and shifted against Rafael to form a more comfortable position, like being locked into place.

And everything was. Everything clicked.

Rafael had the instant memory of a little boy smiling up at him. A little boy asking for chocolate milk. A little boy laughing hysterically.

Carisi stared. “You mean—“

Rafael spoke at the same time. “You—“

Carisi’s face turned to a scowl as he seemed to be calculating in his head. “You mean to tell me I’ve lived my entire life having you—“

Rafael stopped him. “I was twenty—“

Carisi looked at him again. “Why did you work at a coffee shop?”

“Why were you in a coffee shop in South Bronx?”

Carisi blinked. Rafael blinked back. They stared into each other’s eyes for long, slow seconds that seemed to stop entirely. Rafael’s heart slowed to a steady beat. He felt himself calm.

“I don’t know what to say,” Rafael said honestly. What could he say? An honest, ‘I’m so glad it’s you’? Or, ‘Where have you been?’

Carisi seemed to have another thought, because abruptly he grabbed Rafael and pulled him into a tight hug.

Rafael’s skin prickled where it met Carisi’s, like the back of his neck where Carisi’s firearms made contact. His mind raced with memories of feelings past, and every wrong feeling, every negative thought, was suddenly righted. Every lonely feeling had been shared all along. All the anger, all the hurt, all the sadness; but also the happiness and comfort and laughter. Carisi was there the whole time.

“I’m sorry,” Carisi whispered.

Rafael took a step back. “For what?”

Carisi was crying. Subtlety, but the tears were there in his eyes. “I’m sorry for all the pain you’ve ever felt.”

A tear slowly fell from his eye. Rafael gently wiped it away.

“It’s okay,” Rafael softly said, as genuinely as he could. “It’s okay. Sonny, look at me.”

Carisi looked eyes with Rafael.

“I’m happy you’re here. Can’t you tell?”

Sonny nodded. “I can,” he said, letting out a relieved little chuckle.

———-

Dinner sufficiently forgotten, Sonny let Rafael lead him to the couch. Hands were linked between them the entire time but a short distance kept them apart. They needed to think.

“When I was a teen,” Sonny told Rafael, “I went through a lot of shit figuring out, y’know, that I’m gay. I was really depressed for a while. I was scared of my family, my friends, the church.”

“Teen? That was about when I finished law school, right? So I was starting as a defense attorney.”

They wondered if they were unhappy together or unhappy because of each other.

“I wonder if you weren’t linked to a depressed kid if you’d have lasted as a defense attorney,” Sonny said.

“I wonder if I wasn’t a depressed defense attorney you would’ve loved yourself as a kid.”

“As a teen,” Sonny corrected. “Actually, I was a happy kid. I went to therapy when I was eleven.”

“What?” Rafael asked, “Why?”

“They were concerned I wasn’t using all of my emotions. I didn’t get mad at anything, ever. It was like...when I felt mad, I could just open my brain up a little more and calm down.”

Sonny realized what that was.

“I was opening up to you.”

Rafael smiled. “Dios mio, this is...surreal. Is it real?”

“I always wondered if it was,” Sonny said. “Ask my sisters, I pretty much obsessed over it for years.”

“Rita obsessed over it,” Rafael muttered.

“What, over finding hers?”

“No,” Rafael said, “She’s been convinced I met my soulmate years ago.”

Sonny laughed. “You know, telling her about this will be admitting she was right.”

Rafael sighed and rubbed his face. “I hadn’t even thought of that. I just...”

“I’m in disbelief, too.”

Rafael smiled.

In their silence, Sonny couldn’t help but think about all of his time spent growing up sad. He wondered if it was him or Rafael. He wondered if he made Rafael feel that way for too long. He wondered what would happen if Barba eventually gets tired of feeling someone else.

Sonny wanted to talk about all of it, so he decided to start backwards, at the most recent events where he was just too down to function.

“Can I ask you something?” Sonny asked.

“Of course,” Rafael said, playing with Sonny’s fingers.

“What’s been going on with you lately?”

Rafael took a deep breath. Sonny almost regretted asking.

“Mi Abuela,” Rafael said, “My grandma. She’d been ill for a while, for a long time, and she...she passed.”

Sonny felt Rafael’s sadness again. “I’m so sorry, Rafi.”

Rafael looked up at Sonny, probably because of the nickname usage. Sonny didn’t take it back, though.

“Thank you,” Rafael said. “You should be apologizing for your poor sleeping habits.”

Sonny laughed hard, he couldn’t help it.

“Uh, sure,” he replied. “I should be apologizing for keeping you up when I was the most jittery kid in 6th grade because you’re addicted to coffee. They tried to put me on ADHD medication but apparently my soul just ran on caffeine.”

Rafael laughed back. “Okay, fine. We’re even.”

Sonny scooted closer to Rafael on the couch. He squeezed Rafael’s fingers.

“Is it weird that I’ve missed you my entire life?” Sonny asked.

Rafael pushed hair off Sonny’s forehead. “Are you always going to be ridiculously romantic?”

“Probably,” Sonny honestly said. “I have a lot of romance built up.”

“Not enough love in your life?”

“Not when I’ve been feeling yours forever.”

Rafael laughed. “Dios mio.”

Sonny leaned in closer. “Can I kiss you, Rafi?”

“Yes, please.”

Sonny closed the gap and pressed his lips against Rafael’s. A spark was there, but more a thrill than a shock.

It was beyond perfect.

Sonny wanted so badly to tell Rafael how loved he is, but in the end they warmed up dinner and continued talking until bed.

Sonny spent the night, and how could he not? They had almost 20 years apart to make up together. He couldn’t leave Rafael’s side if he tried. He feared what tomorrow would bring, having to part. He dreaded separation again.

Something told him it would be okay. Deep down, in his soul, he knew he could last all day knowing he was Rafael’s to return to day in and day out.

Wrapped up in Rafael’s blankets and Rafael’s arms, Sonny felt complete. He felt as though he’d been homesick his entire life and was just welcomed home with his favorite meal and a warm bed. Instead, he was welcomed by the person already destined to be his favorite on earth.

Sonny didn’t say he loved Rafael like he wanted to, like he longed to for a long time—which all suddenly made perfect sense. Instead, he shared the love with every thought and every kiss.

“Sonny?” Rafael asked into the darkness, hand stroking lovingly along Sonny’s chest.

“Hmm?”

“I’m happy.”

Sonny snuggled deeper into Rafael’s arms.

“Me too,” he said, eyes drifting shut in the moonlight.

And Sonny was. He knew he would be for the rest of his life.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoy. Thank you for reading. I’ve been going through a lot lately and intended on taking a longer break from writing, but this all came to me. I hope it flows. I hope it’s okay. If it sucks, don’t tell me; I don’t think my heart could take it. Anyway, let me know!


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